The Momentary Escapes from Madness to Mindfulness
I have come to the realization that I like it when I feel nothing. I don’t mean the kind of numbness you get when you go to the dentist. I mean the kind of numbness that makes your mind quiet. How can I explain what that feels like? To me, it is the absence of uncomfortable emotions. I am not sure how to get to this state of numbness and stay there for a long time. When I’m numb, I just watch what’s happening instead of reacting. It’s like being in the eye of a hurricane and seeing everything calmly.
I’m not sure how to feel about this. Is it a good thing to be detached from my emotions? Or am I just avoiding them because I’m afraid? Sometimes I think being detached helps me to see things more clearly and calmly. Other times I think I’m losing my humanity and empathy. I often feel overwhelmed by pain and suffering. I don’t know how to cope or find relief. I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of misery. Who wants to live like that? We all try to escape pain and suffering in different ways.
Sometimes I feel so calm and peaceful after going through a lot of emotional pain and tears. I don’t really understand what’s going on in my mind when that happens, but it seems like I’m getting rid of some negative stuff. The mechanism of this cleansing eludes me. Can it happen without the nonstop thoughts that drive me to the edge?
