The Momentary Escapes from Madness to Mindfulness

Image by vined mind from Pixabay.

I have come to the realization that I like it when I feel nothing. I don’t mean the kind of numbness you get when you go to the dentist. I mean the kind of numbness that makes your mind quiet. How can I explain what that feels like? To me, it is the absence of uncomfortable emotions. I am not sure how to get to this state of numbness and stay there for a long time. When I’m numb, I just watch what’s happening instead of reacting. It’s like being in the eye of a hurricane and seeing everything calmly.

I’m not sure how to feel about this. Is it a good thing to be detached from my emotions? Or am I just avoiding them because I’m afraid? Sometimes I think being detached helps me to see things more clearly and calmly. Other times I think I’m losing my humanity and empathy. I often feel overwhelmed by pain and suffering. I don’t know how to cope or find relief. I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of misery. Who wants to live like that? We all try to escape pain and suffering in different ways.

Sometimes I feel so calm and peaceful after going through a lot of emotional pain and tears. I don’t really understand what’s going on in my mind when that happens, but it seems like I’m getting rid of some negative stuff. The mechanism of this cleansing eludes me. Can it happen without the nonstop thoughts that drive me to the edge?

Sometimes crying is good for me, it helps me let go of my stress. I stopped taking antidepressants and I decided to let myself grieve for the life I wanted but didn’t get. Nobody promised me anything, I just hoped that working hard would pay off. But it didn’t, and that’s sad. But while I’m grieving, I also find moments of peace. Sometimes I feel nothing, and that’s a relief. I don’t want to suffer in my mind, just like I don’t want to suffer in my body.

Except for a few enlightened beings, the rest of us have yet to find a way to escape from suffering. Emotions can be overwhelming, and many people try to escape them in different ways. Some turn to substances like alcohol or drugs. Some practice yoga or meditation. Some bury themselves in work. Some lose all hope.

Sometimes I want to give up too. How nice it would be to be in a state of permanent numbing? But I tell myself that even in death there is no escape from pain and suffering. For some reason, I feel that I will end up being recycled to the same state of mind when reborn (assuming reincarnation is real). As of now, the only way seems to be through and not around. There is no shortcut.

I appreciate the brief moments of peace I experience on my journey. I know that my challenges are not as severe as those of many others, and I would choose this story if I had the power to do so. Yet, I still cherish the times when my mind is quiet and free from worries. How I wish I could extend those times of calmness and joy. On this Thanksgiving, I am grateful for these few moments.