I consume for momentary distractions, and I am aware of it.

Image by Clker-Free-Vector-Images from Pixabay.

I consume more than I produce daily. Some of the consumption is necessary, but that part is a tiny percentage of what I consume. The other consumption is purely for distraction. I consume extra food to divert myself from pain, words to find answers to the big questions, and ideas hoping it will somehow change my life for the better. I consume things mostly to distract myself from the meaningless life.

I probably need less than 10% of what I use every day. I have no logical reasons to support my habit of consumption. It is purely for distraction, and I am entirely aware of it.

Should I change my ways? But if I do, I will lose the illusion that helps me keep going through the motion of life. Sure, I can shed my illusion and arrive at the ultimate truth or reality or whatever we are supposed to reach to find meaning from this aimless experience.

Does anyone of us know what we are trying to find? We are just shooting in the dark, going through trial and error. We stumble upon a momentary discovery to realize that it wasn’t a discovery at all. It was just another distraction, a reality we invented to keep our illusion alive. We don’t even know if that thing exists. We are all just shooting in the dark, going from one distraction to another until we have completed our life cycle.

I will shamelessly keep consuming until something happens to change my perception of my current reality. It hasn’t happened in the last 40 years. I don’t want to sound negative, but I don’t have much hope that it will happen in the next 40 years, either.

I can’t completely stop consuming, but I try to control it. Otherwise, I am sure to drown in my unbearable guilt. I don’t use makeup. I don’t do massages, manicures, and pedicures. I don’t buy clothes that I will only wear once or twice. I try to find books at the library whenever I can. I try to use reusable containers and water bottles whenever possible. Except for food, I can say no to pretty much anything I am tempted to purchase.

Right now, I mostly buy and use things to accommodate my children. Even the things I buy for them are primarily for raising their intellectual awareness. But I have been warned. I am not allowed to buy “educational birthday presents” anymore :(. But then they ask for gifts and don’t realize they are educational after all, lol!!!

Until something changes, I will be right here next to you, consuming the words written by fellow consumers on this incredible platform we call Medium. Have a consumable day!

I wrote this story in response to the “A Word-A-Day” writing prompt suggested by Christine Graves for May 2022. Thank you for the inspiration Christine Graves (@sapheyerblu).